Just like the people who make them, friendships are unique. Different relationships bring out different qualities in each of us. Maybe you have one friend who is your karaoke ride-or-die, and another who cringes at karaoke, but loves to talk about Survivor just as much as you do. You’re the same person, but you connect with these two friends in different ways. Sometimes as adults, we forget that kids too have worlds inside. We can get caught up in trying to fit our kids into some pre-packaged definition of an ideal childhood—including a nostalgic fantasy of “childhood friends”—and miss what our kids really want and need. Childhood friendships can be as varied and complex as adult friendships. Some children do indeed enjoy making friends through traditional methods like games and sports. Others may make connections in quieter ways. Many benefit from a mix of friendship types, and still others may be very happy with just one friend who really gets them. All children benefit from explicit conversations and support around developing, maintaining and adjusting to changes within friendships.
How we do it:
At PlayGroup, we focus on the most important ingredient for friendships: trust. When kids learn to trust themselves, their environment, and each other, they can begin to explore common interests and take risks on connections. When trust is developed, friendships can grow strong enough to include disagreements, which are important to children’s development as well as to building authentic, secure friendships beyond a surface level.
Observe and describe temperaments without judgement. Helping kids to understand their own temperaments, perspectives and interests and the temperaments, perspectives and interest of others can go a long way to building connections, and avoiding conflict where trust is not yet established. A kid who loves to be loud may easily overwhelm a kid who feels anxiety in loud environments. And likewise, a kid who tries to enforce quiet may frustrate a boisterous kid. Fern has so much fun making noise. Ash always finds the quietest place in the room. Let’s make a loud zone in this corner and a quiet zone in that tent behind the chair.
Make time to talk about it openly and explicitly. Some kids really just won’t ever get along, and that’s fine. It’s possible that a kid like Fern may never want to sit quietly in the tent. It’s also possible that a kid like Fern may be very curious about the quiet zone and just need to burn off some energy before exploring the books. It’s possible that a kid like Ash will never want to leave the quiet of the tent (but may enjoy borrowing books from another kid who is also willing to sit quietly sometimes). It’s also possible that a kid like Ash may just need time to observe what happens in the loud zone before one day joining a trampoline party. We narrate to explain these differences as well as to note connections. Keep the options clear, stay curious, and model trying new things as well as honestly honoring preferences.
As always, follow your kid’s lead. Find out how your kid feels about friendships, and help them work toward their own goals. They may have different goals for friendships than you’ve assumed. Maybe they want a friend to argue with! Maybe they are overwhelmed with too many groups and want to spend more time with just one friend. Talk with your kids about your friendships and theirs, and find out. At PlayGroup, we even make up nicknames for the different types of friends we notice emerging in groups. This helps our children to better understand how they enjoy connecting and being in frie