Double Empathy at PlayGroup
PlayGroup’s Tip: Perspective-taking is a two-way street.
It’s common in neurodiverse-affirming spaces to hear about the double empathy problem. This is a concept that emphasizes the fact that in any communication between two people, both need to be engaged in empathy to understand each other. If only one side is required to adjust, listen, and learn from the other, communication is one-sided and unfair. This concept comes up a lot, particularly in reference to autism, where double empathy is often painfully missing. Autistic folks (and others with non-normative communication styles) are often pressured, in the name of “support,” to conform to modes of communication and behavior that are more comfortable for their neurotypical peers and teachers, with very little consideration of their own preferences, comforts, and experiences. It is devastatingly common for such students to be taught they must work harder to take the perspective of someone else, without being shown the same consideration from others.
How we do it:
At PlayGroup, we lead with empathy, and it anchors all of our interactions with our students. We listen to them, and we watch them closely to learn how they communicate. We model efforts to bridge the distance of understanding between us and our kids, and facilitate these same efforts among peer groups within our classes. We use direct language to address these issues, and actively question our assumptions—out loud—to foster an environment of curiosity and care. You can do this at home too—and perhaps even try suggesting some of these tools at your child’s school.
Share your assumptions, goals, feelings, etc. This takes practice when we are used to being understood intuitively by others who share our communication styles and neurotypes.
The temperature is lower than yesterday, which means it’s colder outside than yesterday. I’m going to wear a warm hat outside today. It will help me feel better outside because I do not like being cold. I think you will feel cold if you don’t wear a hat. Do you want to wear a hat too?
Listen and observe your child’s answers and other methods of communication. Maybe they tell you that they hate wearing hats because they are itchy, or that the hat covers their eyes in a way they dislike, or that hats are too hot. Maybe they communicate something without words by running away, focusing on a fidget, covering their head with their hands, etc. Try to understand and respond to their behavior as communication. Use empathy! If you put yourself in their shoes, what might that communication mean?
Respond from a place of mutuality rather than forcing your own agenda.
Wow! It looks like you feel very differently about wearing hats than I do! Can we explore some other ways to keep your ears warm when the temperature is very low? What if we tried earmuffs? I’ll show you a picture. Do those look better than a hat, or should we keep searching?
These concepts and tools can also be transformative in schools. Here is a resource that may be useful to share with your school-based team about working to solve the "double empathy problem” and ensuring that all kids receive support that is focused on their own wellbeing, not their ability to conform at their own expense.